There was a time when I thought I had it all together.

Something will happen to you if you are not careful. Life comes along, and it changes you. It remakes who you are slowly, without anything extreme so that all of a sudden, one day you wake up and you have no idea who you are  or how you got that way. That day is not a good day.

It’s one of those times that you think to yourself “Is this really my life?” You wonder how all those different people got upset at you. Did you really do… or not do… the things they say? How did everything fall apart so completely without even a hint?

Maybe the secret is that in reality nothing really changed about you at all. You’ve always been that way, always been that kind of person. What changed was the people and the things around you. Those changes finally brought you to the realization that you never really were who you thought you were.

Getting the hint that perhaps this is where I am? If you picked up on that, great. If not, let me spell it out for you:

I do not know who I am, but I know that I am not who I want to be, nor who I should be. On top of that, I’m not who other people think I am, which is a difficult thing because one by one people learn the truth; people you care about; people you love.

There was a time when I thought I had it all together. I guess I was just foolish.

Am I going to stay this way? Of course not. Please resist calling me “emo.” I prefer broken. I am broken and that makes me sad and joyful at the same time. I am sad for the obvious reasons.

I am joyful because I know that if I am broken, then I can be healed.

This is a true story that occurred in 2002 in a Youth Issues class at Hannibal-LaGrange College in Missouri. The account is that of one of the students from the class.

…

I left work early so I could have some uninterrupted study time right before the final in my Youth Issues class. When I got to class, everybody was doing their last minute studying. The teacher came in and said he would review with us for just a little bit before the test. We went through the review, most of it right on the study guide, but there were some things he was reviewing that I had never heard of. When questioned about it, he said that the information was from the books on the assigned reading list that had been in the syllabus. He said he told the class at the beginning of the semester that we were responsible for everything on the syllabus, which included the assigned readings. We couldn’t really argue with that.

Finally it was time to take the test.

“Leave them face down on the desk until everyone has one and I’ll tell you to start,” our professor instructed.

When we turned them over, every answer on the test was filled in! The bottom of the last page said the following:

“This is the end of the Final Exam. All the answers on your test are correct. You will receive an ‘A’ on the final exam. The reason you passed the test is because the creator of the test took it for you. All the work you did in preparation for this test did not help you get the A. You have just experienced…grace.”

He then went around the room and asked each student individually, “What is your grade? Do you deserve the grade you are receiving? How much did all your studying for this exam help you achieve your final grade?”

Now I am not a crier by any stretch of the imagination, but I had to fight back tears when answering those questions and thinking about how the Creator has passed the test for me.

Discussion afterward went like this: “I have tried to teach you all semester that you are a recipient of grace. I’ve tried to communicate to you that you need to demonstrate this gift as you work with young people. Don’t hammer them; they are not the enemy. Help them, for they will carry on your ministry if it is full of GRACE!”

Talking about how some of us had probably studied hours and some just a few minutes but had all received the same grade, he pointed to a story Jesus told in Matthew 20. The owner of a vineyard hired people to work in his field and agreed to pay them a certain amount. Several different times during the day, he hired more workers. When it was time to pay them, they all received the same amount. When the ones who had been hired first thing in the morning began complaining, the boss said, “Should you be angry because I am kind?” (Matthew 20:15).

The teacher said he had never done this kind of final before and probably would never do it again, but because of the content of many of our class discussions, he felt like we needed to experience grace.

Have you thanked your Creator today because of the grace you have experienced?

This is a song two people sang in my church today. Some of the words hit home with me particularly, but in general I think the text is a powerful reminder of God’s call for us to follow Him.

The Summons

Will you come and follow me if I but call your name?
Will you go where you don’t know and never be the same?
Will you let my love be shown? Will you let my name be known,
will you let my life be grown in you and you in me?

Will you leave yourself behind if I but call your name?
Will you care for cruel and kind and never be the same?
Will you risk the hostile stare should your life attract or scare?
Will you let me answer prayer in you and you in me?

Will you let the blinded see if I but call your name?
Will you set the prisoners free and never be the same?
Will you kiss the leper clean and do such as this unseen,
and admit to what I mean in you and you in me?

Will you love the “you” you hide if I but call your name?
Will you quell the fear inside and never be the same?
Will you use the faith you’ve found to reshape the world around,
through my sight and touch and sound in you and you in me?

Lord your summons echoes true when you but call my name.
Let me turn and follow you and never be the same.
In Your company I’ll go where Your love and footsteps show.
Thus I’ll move and live and grow in you and you in me.

The word “nostalgia” is a word that’s at the forefront of many people’s minds this time of year. For all of us at college, the year is ending. Unlike high school, when people leave college they go back to their homes which are all across the country. For seniors, the next week marks the final end of their college experience.

College is a lifestyle, an opportunity and an experience like none other. There is no replacement or substitute for college; it’s completely unique.

So… what is it that causes nostalgia? It certainly must be deeper than not seeing a bunch of your friends for a while. That’s just called “being sad.” There is something deeper about the sense of community and involvement on a campus that can’t be recreated elsewhere. To be taken out of a community like this, especially a community like Grove City, is like that awful feeling you get when you’re sitting in your dorm room with just your computer on an empty desk, after packing everything up, just waiting to leave, to say goodbye to those last few people.

I’m tempted to think that nostalgia is more than just a preference to avoid change. Looking back on what you used to have, or even looking forward to when you’ll lose it, is more of a reflection on yourself than anything else. When something like the college community is ripped away from you suddenly at the end of the year, you realize all the things you could have done better; all the friendships you probably missed out on; all the experiences you’ll never get to have again. You realize that you enjoyed things in a certain way because of who you were at the time. Then you realize that you’ll never be that person again, and therefore even if those things could be replayed, they wouldn’t be the same for you. The experiences you had were once in a lifetime, no matter how mundane each day was.

That’s another aspect to it… when you realize something you’ve gotten used to is being removed, even the most commonplace events become extraordinary. Going to the cafeteria is fascinating again, walking downtown is a special event, getting a meal with a friend is the most important thing you’ve done all month. No matter how important academics were to you, no one gets nostalgic over tests and homework. The day-to-day is a precious thing.

In those periods of nostalgia that all people experience, we have the ability to enjoy a rare perspective on life, realizing the things that are really the most important, treasuring the small things and possibly enduring the occasional cry session.

Perhaps nostalgia is a longing for the past, simply because to live in the past is to remove the necessity for change and growth. We become comfortable with ourselves just as much as we become comfortable with our surroundings and routines. When we have to become someone new in order to move forward in life, that’s when things get scary. But we can’t remain the same people all life long. We have to grow and change and learn.

Nostalgia is a gift, even though it hurts at times. I think nostalgia happens at those points in our lives where things change so drastically, so suddenly, that it is revealed to us just how much we’ve changed without even realizing it. Looking back on who we were gives us a more clear perspective on who we are now and who we are becoming.

I hate these times because they can be painful… but I love them at the same time, because I know I’m having them because of the excellent experiences and memories I have because of this place I’m in. I treasure my friendships very much, more than I act upon. That’s something I’m working on.

I think I would be exhausted all day long if I really acted on how much I really love those people. I’m glad for the opportunities I’ve had to show a select few just how much they mean to me. I hope I can lengthen that list greatly over the years.

I hope we all can remember, on some day when we’re down about life, all the things we remember at times like these.

We are so blessed.

I love this place.

Sorry this post comes a bit late, but I think the message is still important.

The title of this post is a joking synonym for Valentine’s Day that my friends and I use sometimes. Why do we use this? Because Valentine’s Day was originally a day to honor St. Valentine, a Christian who was martyred. Then one day some commercial entrepreneurs decided it had been well over a month since the last consumer holiday and the middle of February would be a great time to create a new one. Today, Valentine’s Day is one of the most popular holidays for saying “I love you” in odd and often expensive ways.

Some people love Valentine’s Day… more power to them. I, however, in my usually nit-picky and cynical way have carved the disgusting layer of icing off of this holiday to find out what’s really going on. Begin hating me now if you like…

This all started when I received something late from my parents that they had ordered me for Valentine’s Day (it wasn’t their fault it was late). In it was a little advertisement brochure thing on the top of the stuff in the box. The following, therefore, is what I saw first when I opened the box.

Looks great, right? First of all, this enormous boquet complete with purposeless heart-shaped key costs $70! What struck me, though, was the text: “Gifts that say ‘Be mine.’” Be mine? This gift says “I’m trying too hard.” If you need to spend seventy bucks in order for your partner to know how you feel about them, then you aren’t communicating well enough! These flowers will die, no matter how many of those little packets you put in the water. I would much rather hear the girl who means the world to me just ask me to be hers rather than buying something silly in place of it.

Now comes the part of this post where I narrow down what I’m saying so you don’t get the wrong idea. Is Valentine’s Day an ultimately unnecessary consumer ploy? Yes. Is it evil to the core, spawned from the very mind of Satan? No. Valentine’s Day can be a great excuse to be romantic and cute or what have you. The problem is when it becomes the most meaningful form of expression you have with one another. If he or she isn’t more interested in hearing “I love you” than receiving a card and some chocolate, there’s an issue that should be worked out. However, if you hand-made personalized cookies in addition to saying “I love you,” that might not be a bad thing.

So what’s the conclusion? Don’t love the stationary more than the message. What matters is what you say, not how much you spent on saying it. The point is, we shouldn’t need Valentine’s Day at all. Showing our love for the people who are important to us shouldn’t happen once annually. It’s kind of the same deal as Thanksiving. A day just for love and a day just for being thankful?? Why not every day?

Don’t buy stuff. Don’t waste your money. The best gift you can give is your time, because it’s the only gift that can’t be replaced (unless your Valentine’s Day gift is a kidney or something…). Time we give away to others is lost to us. We can make more money for ourselves, but we can’t make more time.

I think you get my point. I’m frustrated by popular consumerism that tells us it’s the “stuff” that makes the difference. Make me feel better and be frustrated too, at least for a little while. It puts things in focus.

On a somewhat related topic to my last post, this one is also a challenge to our everyday mentalities.

I am re-typing this post.  This is a serious and important topic, and my previous draft sounded like a Sunday school lesson. With your permission (or without…), I’d like to be more direct.

So here’s the simple fact: people are negative.  You are guilty of it, and so am I. We are guilty, because it is easy to do.  It is not easy to go on a diet.  It is not easy to quit smoking.  Being negative, however, is something that is very easy to do.  And we are so used to it, in fact, that I doubt most people even realize when it’s happening.

Whether we realize it or not, being negative and hearing people being negative brings us down.  It may not be something that we can measure, but it is certainly a reality. The problem is it’s become such a part of our lives we don’t even notice it anymore. Think about it… how many times during the day do you complain about a class, a friend, a test, the weather, etc?

The Bible says, “Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God  without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe.” Philippians 2:14-15

This verse is very direct.  We are to do everything — not some things — but everything without complaining or arguing.  Is this difficult?  Yes.  Is it impossible?  No.  Should we do something about it today?  Absolutely.

So how do we go about fixing this problem?  Simple: watch the things you say.  Watch the things other people say. Be careful though… it is easy to be hypocritical here.  However, if we keep track of the things we say, and check ourselves often, we will soon begin to catch ourselves and others in the act.  (For a similar exercise, think about the word “like” and how often you use it.  While thinking about it, try to have a conversation without saying the word like.  You’ll become aware of just how often you use it.)

It is very accurate to say that hypocrisy is one of the biggest issues today. I can almost guarantee that if you were to ask someone, “Are you a hypocrite,” they would almost undoubtedly say no, unless they were a very self-aware person and in a particularly truthful mood.  In fact, most people don’t even realize that they are hypocrites, when most of us actually are.

For some reason, there is little emphasis put on discovering hypocrisy in our lives.  However, I think if we were to seriously consider it, we would be surprised at how prevalent it really is.  It is a fact that most of us actually love what we hate.

Let me explain… It was C.S. Lewis who first brought this notion to my attention. I was reading his Mere Christianity when he pointed out the hypocrisy in my own life.  Needless to say, it was difficult to discover just how guilty I was.  Lewis’s main point in the chapter I was reading was that the more we hate a behavior and someone else, the more guilty we are of committing that behavior in our own lives. This was a new idea to me, but it makes perfect sense.

This is what I mean by, “we love what we hate.”  If you find that you hate pride in other people, chances are you struggle with pride in your own life and don’t actually realize it.  Or, maybe you do, but are not willing to admit it.  Perhaps you are able to admit it, and if so, you are much better off than many of us.

If we hate it when other people complain and are negative, chances are, we are much more negative than we actually realize.  If greed bothers us, we are most likely greedy. I could go on, but I think you understand my point.

So how do we combat this?  Simple: anytime you find something in someone else that really, really bothers you, check yourself.  Check yourself more than once.  If you find yourself repeatedly being bothered by an activity or behavior in other people, make sure you aren’t guilty of it your self. Do I need to point out that you will be an even larger hypocrite if you rebuke that behavior in another person when you yourself are guilty of it? Here is a humorous biblical illustration making the same point.

Keep an eye on yourself throughout the day.  Watch out that you don’t love what you hate.

Last night I went with some friends to the movie theatre in town and saw “The Curious Case of Benjamin Button.” I don’t really want to say “the movie changed my life” for fear of sounding superficial for giving life-altering credit to a form of entertainment, but some movies just have the power to strip away the mess of your life as you watch, to present the world in such a way that you can’t help but step back and consider what you are doing with yourself.

For me, this was one such movie. (For those of you interested in seeing the movie without any prior knowledge of its content, I suggest you cease reading at this point.) I found that the movie wasn’t really about Benjamin at all. In fact, the movie was about the people who he shared part of his life with. You see, because he was traveling in the opposite direction through life as everyone else, he was merely passing them along the way. It would be like walking the wrong way down a street and just watching the people go past you, exchanging an occasional conversation, catching just parts of the lives they are living, but never living a normal life for yourself. Rather than fill your life with school and jobs and expectations and goals, you simply fill your life with people, with their influences, their personalities and their love.

Why should just plain old regular life not be more like this? Should we really become trapped by the expectations put on us by other people; get caught in the routines of growing up; be tied down by the pressures we put on ourselves to be the people we think we should be? When we come to a puddle on the sidewalk, should we go out of our way to step around it, carefully keeping ourselves dry, or should we let ourselves go… let go of whatever it is inside us that tells us to keep dry; to preserve our frail security against the realities of life? Should we tip-toe around it, or, knowing that one day we will face such a puddle and not be able to step around, should we walk through the center of it, enjoying the wetness to our feet and the sound of the water to our ears? Because someday, inevitably, we will come to an unavoidable puddle, but it will be alright, because we will have already walked through larger ones on our own volition.

Is there something keeping us from wholeheartedly giving ourselves up to the simple fact that time moves steadily and constantly, and therefore we should fill each moment with opportunity, because “Our lives are defined by opportunities, even the ones we miss,”? Even if we were to get struck by lightning seven times, shouldn’t we know that God is reminding us that we’re lucky to be alive?

“For what it’s worth: it’s never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.”

“Along the way you bump into people who make a dent on your life. Some people, were born to sit by a river. Some get struck by lightning. Some have an ear for music. Some are artists. Some swim. Some know buttons. Some know Shakespeare. Some are mothers. And some people, dance.”

I was wasting time on facebook today,and I saw an ad for a free IQ test. I know those tests are never free, but I figured I’d give it a try.  After wasting about 10 minutes taking the test, I found out that I would need to sign up for a dating/flirting service for $9.95 a month. Since I have no use for such a service, but was still interested in finding out what my IQ  was, I went over to Google and searched for free IQ tests. I found what seemed to be a legitimate website that offered an IQ test that didn’t involve any scams at the end of it.  I completed a test, and, to my surprise, I received an e-mail that actually contained my IQ.  What my IQ was is not important, but if you’re interested you can always ask me.

The reason I’m writing this post is because also on that website were curious sounding “consciousness tests.”  I wanted to find out what these were so I clicked on the link.  The first two were fairly interesting, but it was the third one that got to me.  Rather than try to explain it to you, I’ve posted it below so you can take it for yourself.

Singing My Self

Instructions:

Read the exercise below. Focus seriously, be scientific, conduct the experiment, and ask yourself the follow-up questions. Discover your subtle inner workings and, with a new self trust, find a refreshing inner authority entering your life that is based on subtler knowledge of your personal psychology.

What to do:

Close your eyes and mentally speak approximately the first ten words to a popular song you’ve heard sung many times. Your country’s national anthem will do; select a song to which you know the words and music and have personally sung aloud many times.

Next, mentally SING the words. Next, begin to mentally sing the words, but after about the third word or so, imagine that you hear the words being sung by a popular, well known, singer.

Do this again and again, switching from hearing yourself singing and then hearing the popular singer’s voice “entering” and “taking over” the singing. Next, start the words, let a singer enter, and then switch to yet another singer’s voice. If images come with this, that’s okay. Play with all the above instructions for about five minutes or long enough to convince yourself that this is something you can easily do.

While you are playing “mental karaoke,” note the extremely subtle nature of the differences in your mental experiences that you might describe as “a different sounding voice in my head.” Note also how your slightest intent instantly switches from one voice to another. And note that the other singers’ talents are fully there–not just your singing skills. Note also that you are a better singer this way–much better.

Have fun with this. It’s better than singing in the shower.

Now that you’ve had the above mental experiences, ask yourself:

Why am I so certain that I “hear” my thoughts? Could I smell a thought? Taste, touch, see? If I could “see” my thoughts, what would that be like as they first appeared?

Who listens to my thoughts?

Is this how subtle I am when I perform actions in ordinary life?

Is this “switching aspect of my experiences” the level of thinking where all “doing” occurs?

Can I be at this level when I put my attention on an EMOTION that “I hear being sung inside me?” Can I imagine another “person” entering my experience of an emotion and “taking it over” and “singing it” with their “emotional talents?”

If I want to take an emotion and “make it better” or “strengthen it” or “more deeply appreciate it,” can I just intend that it is so? Can I just intend to subtly shift my “plain old emotions” into “world class opera singer emotions?”

When I look around and scan this almost infinite, precious, exquisite, existence, how do I feel? How do I want to feel? Should I feel that way? Should I now feel the best feeling any being ever has felt?

If I switched to another singer inside my head PERMANENTLY, who would be the best to sing the song of my heart? Elvis? Madonna? Jay-Z? Pink Floyd? Shania Twain? Will Smith? Pavarotti? God?

—–

For those of you who know me fairly well, I’m sure you’ve heard me talk about the power of the brain before.  I’m a firm believer in the fact that we can change the way we think, the things we enjoy, etc. if we put our minds to it.  The above test provides an example of how we can see this in action.

I was excited to find this test, even before I got to the end of it, but it was the last word that really hit me. There was something about this silly test ending with the question, “would you let God permanently sing the song of your heart,” that struck me as being something I was supposed to read.

Isn’t this how it’s supposed to be? And yet, this was a completely different way of thinking for me.  If changing the voice in our heads from our voice to an opera singer’s voice make such a big difference, what if we made an effort to replace our voice with God’s voice? I can only imagine the good that could come from something like this.

Let me know what you think about this. For me, it was a thought-provoking idea.  I think I’ll give it a try…

For those of you who don’t know, my father is a pastor. In the monthly newsletter from my church, my dad had this lesson on the front page:

Are You Good For Nothing?

Has anyone ever said those words to you either as an inquiry or a declarative statement? “Are you good for nothing?” Ouch! Those words hurt! But relax. Today I want to use them with a totally different meaning from the way we normally associate them.

A pastor had been looking at a passage with his Sunday School class from the Gospel of Matthew. The passage was Mathew 5:43-48 with particular emphasis on verse 46 which states, “If you love those who love you, what reward have you? Do not even the tax collectors do the same?”

As they were discussin this particular verse one man in the class said he had been having a particularly hard time getting along with one of his neighbors, and elderly gentleman. To help the relationship the man shared with the class that after two recent snowstorms he had shoveled his neighbor’s sidewalk and driveway. But his efforts had done no good.  The next time they met the older gentleman was just as mean and surly.  So he asked the class, “What good do you get for being nice to a person like that? “

The pastor replied, “Jeff, that is just the point.  God calls us to be good for nothing.”

Yes in that scripture from Matthew, Jesus says that you and I are to be loving, compassionate and kind, not expecting anything in return.we have to be good for nothing — no reward, no quid pro quo.  Being a “good for nothing person” by going out of our way to be nice to someone who seemingly could care less isn’t easy to do.  It is what God calls us to and it is somewhateasier when we remember that is how God treated us.

During the month of February, with Valentine’s Day on the 14th our thoughts turn to love.  God has defined love.  As John writes — “this is love: not that we loved God, but that God loved us and sent his son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins” (1 John 4:10).the apostle Paul said, “While we were yet enemies toward God, God sent his son to reconcile us to himself.”  (Romans 5:10).

Some have responded to God’s love, many have not.  As the passage in Matthew also states — “God causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and unrighteous.  Be perfect therefore as your heavenly Father is perfect.”

Be good for nothing.  As a poet wrote:

“It’s easy to be kind and good to those who show us love, but loving those who won’t respond takes grace of God above”

Your Good For Nothing Pastor,

Jim